If you’ve ever been tired of social media, it shouldn’t be hard for you to feel that we’re not connecting with each other. In You’re Not Listening, Murphy attributes this to a decline in listening. Because we’re not listening, we’re not connecting with one another, leading to more shouting on our parts because we want human connection.
What is a good listener? The book looks at the topic from a variety of viewpoints, and gives us tips such as:
- Start from a position of curiosity – If you’re listening in order to advance your agenda, people will sense your inauthenticity. Instead, start by being curious about your conversation partner.
- Be in a receptive mode – Don’t just listen to the words, listen for the thoughts, meanings, and feelings.
- Do not be distracted – Our minds can move much faster than our lips and we must resist the temptation to wander off while listening to someone.
- Support, don’t shift the conversation – When someone tells you something, do you turn the topic back to your experiences or do you ask a question that allows the speaker to elaborate further?
- Learn to wait out the silences, instead of jumping in to speak
Learning about what a good listener is made me realise that… I’m not a very good listener at all! Listening to someone properly takes a lot of effort and I can see why so many of us would rather be distracted by social media than do this sometimes uncomfortable but rewarding activity. But if you look at the benefits of good listening – understanding the other side, becoming firmer in our beliefs because we’ve heard the other side (and perhaps even better mental health because our amygdalae aren’t overactive), and making actual progress on issues rather than just creating viral soundbites.
One question that I had after reading this book was how social media could be improved to make us listen. Murphy is clear that a face to face conversation conveys the most information, followed by a phone call, and then text, but given that speaking over the internet is such an important part of our lives, is there any way we can do to improve it? Would audio-first networks like Clubhouse work, or could we have thoughtful conversations over blogs if we slow down and take the time to read what others are saying?
Overall, I found this to be an excellent read. Murphy manages to make the case for better listening while giving the reader a lot of helpful and concrete advice on how to listen better, and I hope that you can pick up this book and try some of the things she’s mentioned too.
Great review! I, too, found this book thought-provoking and ended up self-reflecting on my own listening habits. I would like to think that we can have meaningful conversations over text, but I do think that we would need to slow down, give the other person the benefit of the doubt and an opportunity to explain–instead of jumping to angry conclusions, and accept that a text conversation is going to take a lot longer than an in-person conversation, if we are truly waiting for clarification and seeking to understand what the other is saying.
That’s a good point about how we need to be the ones to slow down and give the benefit of the doubt – otherwise no matter what the medium, we probably won’t have a productive conversation!
Interesting, but I wonder if this approach works when you are listening to nonsense spewed by people who have no regard for facts. In the USA today, we encounter cultists who are addicted to political propaganda broadcast by media of a particular persuasion that propagate lies and distortions that are then parroted by a acolytes who often are too emotionally tied to their beliefs to have a meaningful conversation with. Listening will help identify how absurd a situation this is, but it is not likely to help communications if people are not receptive to facts.
The book is very concerned with this! It discusses how people are falling into insular communities where everyone thinks the way they do, and, as a result, we are all drawing on different sources of information now, which is dividing us and making it hard to understand each other. The book discusses how you have to be okay with listening to other viewpoints than your own, even if it makes you uncomfortable, because that’s how we learn and grow.
I think the book would, of course, be in favor of anyone buying into propaganda to be open to other sources of information. But I think it would also encourage everyone else to listen more deeply to the person buying into that propaganda. What hopes or fears or worries are leading them to buy into something that is not based on facts? Once you figure that out, and start understanding the person, it can be easier to talk with them and maybe get them to see that the propaganda isn’t necessarily going to be the best way to achieve whatever it is they are seeking.
I think Krysta’s answer is spot on! We can’t really change how the other party listens, but we can change how we listen and response and perhaps in the long run, that could have an effect (on an individual level)?
Oh my gosh, this is absolutely right! And no, I don’t think I’m a good listener, either. I’ve noticed when reading blog posts that I sometimes catch myself skimming and have to pop back up to finish reading. We’re so used to quick and easy. I think this is a book that needs to be on my TBR. Great review!
-Megan | Bookstacks & Golden Moms
It’s an excellent book!! I hope you enjoy it too!
Because much of the work I do involves listening, my agency has regular trainings about the significance of and how to practice active listening. It really does take practice and a conscious effort on the part of the listener. I think, for me, the toughest challenge is avoiding distraction–whether from outside sources or my own busy thoughts.
Sounds like an interesting book.
It’s a great book! And yes, distraction is a huge problem for me – I end up missing a lot because of it!
As a persistent chatterer this sounds like the sort of book I need to read!
I hope you find a copy soon! I found it super helpful!!