Now that Christmas is over, we’ve got some time before 2019 begins. Instead of doing the usual book or tea reviews (or ramblings), I thought I’d spend the time looking back on the new year and maybe setting some goals for 2019. Before I start on the books and other media I’ve consumed through the year, it’s time to talk about mental health.
This time last year, I just started seeing a counselor. Now, I’m no longer seeing him, but am I in a better headspace?
I don’t know.
I have days where things are fine and I have days where I don’t know how I’m holding it together. Some of my ramblings show that pretty clearly.
The difference between then and now is that I’m more aware of what’s going on. I’m pretty sure I know what my triggers are and I have a few more coping mechanisms. I don’t think they’re 100% effective (because if they were, I should be fine by now, right?) but they definitely help.
It kind of sucks that I don’t have the mental strength that some people have, but I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that this is who I am.
What happened this year
I couldn’t think of a good way to transition into a recap so I’m just going to put a heading. This year, I started a job, quit that, and then started another job which I’m (thankfully) still in. There were a lot of lessons to be learnt here – like how I shouldn’t rush into the first job I find and that it’s okay to leave if you’re unhappy.
The latter lesson was particularly important. I was literally sick from stress but felt guilty about quitting because:
- I thought I owed it to the company to ‘prove myself worthy’ (why I thought this, I still don’t know)
- I felt like leaving would be placing more stress on my coworkers and I didn’t want to do that.
It took some time for me to realise that I didn’t need to sacrifice my health (physical and mental) for a company. It is okay to put myself first and leave if the situation is not helpful.
And for some reason, this was a hard lesson to remember because sometime after entering my new job, I found myself getting stressed. It wasn’t as bad as the first, but I was constantly guilty about not working more or taking up more responsibility. And then I felt guilty that I was so stressed I wasn’t really enjoying my job because this was supposed to be the job where I get to work with something I love. Finally, I realised that I need to set boundaries. If I don’t, then the stress makes me a less productive worker. Being able to take a break is what will help me to last and keep my passion.
It really helped that my boss and manager were extremely respectful of boundaries and insistent that we pace ourselves in whatever we do because as a startup, we’re in this for the long haul. It made setting boundaries and times for rest possible.
I also realised that it was counter-productive to compare myself to my colleagues because we all have our different strengths and weaknesses.
The word that I dare not say
During counseling, I found out that I had a mild form of depression. Hearing that made a lot of sense because I’ve always struggled with my emotions, since I was a child, and I’ve always fallen into the same pattern. When I was in Japan and struggling with thoughts of worthlessness and self-harm, I thought this was the first time it happened and I was just this terrible person who wanted attention. But then I realised that I had gone through similar periods when I was younger.
But after that, once I stopped counseling, I found myself unwilling to think of, or even talk about, mental health. It’s not that I don’t think it’s important (far from it), but my brain was like “hmm, it’s just mild depression. May not even be depression – you stopped counseling, remember? Maybe you just want attention. Your situation now is much better than before, why are you even thinking like that?”
So I shut up and tried to make myself strong. There were people who were depressed and I didn’t want to seem like I was co-opting depression as a way of masking my weakness.
I still don’t like to tell people I struggle with this because I can put on a cheerful front and I don’t want to “cheapen” it (I don’t even know what I’m talking about but this is the word that came into my brain), but I’m working on being more open about my journey with mental health – like this post.
Summing up 2018
It feels like I spent this year learning a lot of basic things that most people already know. It took a lot of time and I’m hoping that in 2019, I can stop making the same mistakes.
Some serious irony that you commented on my post just the other day. I had read this the day before, via your newsletter letting me know about it. I wanted to comment, but was on my phone and wanted to have a keyboard to respond. So I waited. And now here I am….
I feel ya a lot on this post. So much going on in your head I can relate to. I had been very stubborn about my mental health and getting help years ago. I put it off for 6 years before I decided to get help. I would eventually be diagnosed with bipolar and a lot has made sense after that. But it’s also been a battle. Trying to figure out what helps, what doesn’t. Trying to find the right mixture of things (medication?, therapy?, group therapy?, meditation?, etc). I’ve tried a little bit of most things, trying to find a good mix. In the beginning, I found a group therapy and that was super helpful. Getting to hear from other folks like, but who had been living with it for much longer than I had. With experience. That was super helpful. But everyone is different and mental health is different for everyone too.
I hope you can continue to move forward in your journey, and find a good cocktail of those things that help you be the best you in 2019.
It’s always good to hear that I’m not alone (although in another it’s not very good news because I want my friends to be happy in the ‘effortlessly, don’t need to think about it happy’ way).
Yeah, figuring out what works is difficult. And it doesn’t help that the ‘solution’ will always change because circumstances change and I (and others) will change, so there’s no quick ‘permanent’ solution.
I’m actually really thankful you found my blog because that meant that I found yours and it helps to know people who journey on the same path.
I’ve been following your newsletter since you launched it back and the day and shadow reading blog posts along the way. But in the wake of Google+ shutting down soon, I decided I’d work harder at being more present on folks’ blogs these days.
Thank you for opening up to us like this. I know it must not have been easy. I can relate to so much of what you’ve written here, Eustacia. I have suffered from a mild form of depression most of my life. I have sought therapy off and on over the years. Though, it was my bout of postpartum depression/anxiety which really brought it to light for me. Suddenly I couldn’t hide it as well. I see it now more for what it is, but I still struggle with it and in accepting it. I hate asking for help. I want to be able to do it all myself. There’s that voice inside of me that says I should be able to do it all myself, however wrong that way of thinking is. And when I can’t I feel like such a failure. We are too hard on ourselves. We are a lot stronger than we think. Now to believe it, right?
I wish you all the best this year. We are in this together.
Asking for help should be easy, but it’s so hard. Thank you so much for sharing – it helps to know that I’m not alone.
I’m so glad that you managed to seek help. I’ll have to follow your example in learning to accept for and ask for help (even if we don’t like it).
I hope your 2019 is better than your 2018, mental health-wise.
I’m really glad to hear you’re in a better headspace. And I think it’s really important to set boundaries in life- especially when stress starts impacting on your mental health. I’m really sorry to hear you’ve been struggling- but it sounds like you’ve been making progress and I hope you can build on that for 2019. I know that it might feel like a lot of people have things down, but in my experience, a lot more people are struggling than anyone realises and I hope you’re not too hard on yourself in that regard- you’re really not alone. Best wishes! <3
Thank you! Yes, I’m hoping that I make more progress in 2019 – I feel like even though progress is slow now, it’s more likely to last (because before, I kinda just swept it all under the rug which meant that it kept coming back)
You’re welcome!