Today, I went for counselling. Five words, but they were hard to put into action, even after writing about how I was feeling defeated despite practising mental healthcare. I had this bull-headed idea that because I had “finished” counselling last year, I shouldn’t need more. Which, of course, is a ridiculous statement – if I had a friend who said this to me, I would have told them to just talk to their counsellor ASAP (I had friends who told me this, which was a nudge towards finally making an appointment).

But obviously, today’s session really helped. There are no magic bullets, but having someone who not only listens sympathetically and objectively while giving ideas on how to improve (CBT) makes a huge huge difference. I went into the session thinking that my problem was huge and undefinable, but a few probing questions later, my counsellor found out what the problem was.

There were a lot of things I learnt from the session, but the key points that I want to remember:

• Happiness doesn’t come from comparison: I already know this, but it doesn’t hurt to have someone tell me this again. Especially because I have an oddly competitive streak (don’t know where I got this, given that I never really did competitive things when I was younger) and will compete at things that can’t even be compared. This is why social media can make me feel terrible about myself and why I really need to learn to be careful about how much social media I consume.
• Learn to live in the middle-ground: So it was pointed out that I have perfectionistic tendencies. Not in the “everything is kept as neat as a pin and every i is dotted and t is crossed” type of way, but rather in the way I tend to see things as absolute positive and negative. Something will be 100% great until it isn’t, and then I see it as -100% negative. Not a healthy mindset and one that I will be more aware of in the future.
• If there are persistent thoughts, follow the trial and determine if it is an irrational fear: So one thing I struggled with was thinking that I didn’t have any real friends and that everyone was associating with me out of pity. It reached this point where I took everything, such as no replies/delayed replies, as a sign that people didn’t like me, which was enough to bring me to the verge of tears (talking about it was what started my crying). So my counsellor asked: “what part of your is pitiful?” When I couldn’t give an answer, he pointed out that this was most likely an irrational fear and something that I will have to work through it. Especially since if such fears become lodged in my mind, they may trigger another depressive episode.

There were other things – such as my tendency to be self-critical, which has to be reined in – but these are the points that I want to work on for this near future.

If there’s anything I’ve learnt from this, it’s that the act of asking for help may be the most difficult thing. It’s easy to think that your problems are too small, or that you’re not worth the time and effort, especially if you’re already in a cycle of self-critical thoughts (especially if it’s about your self-worth!). And while I used to wonder why people were so resistant to the idea of getting help if they needed it – internal voice would go: especially since I got help before – I can see the hesitancy now. It’s scary to admit that you might not be strong enough and it requires courage just to admit that there are areas of weakness. I guess this is a lesson for me to learn to put down my pride when I need help. If you have any friends who seem to be struggling but don’t want to see a counsellor, please continue to be there for them and to let them know that it’s the strongest people who have the strength to face and overcome their fears.