So one thing my counsellor pointed out early this year was that I have the tendency to create certain false narratives. I’ll believe things about myself that, when examined, aren’t really based in reality.
Now that I know about this, I’ve been ‘catching’ my thoughts and trying to stop myself. But my brain still fights back and I thought that this post could catch some of the lies that my brain tells me. Perhaps if I’ve put them down in words, they’ll lose their power.
You are a failure (compared to your friends)
Brain: Eustacia, LOOK AT YOUR FRIENDS. They studied at Oxford, Imperial, Yale, and they’re either working in great jobs or following their passions. Where did you study, what are you doing??
Me: I wanted to study in Japan and I have no regrets there. I enjoy my job.
Brain: It’s still not as highly ranked as their unis and your job is boring compared to theirs. You’re a failure and you’ve never fit in because you aren’t smart enough – you had to appeal into the school, remember?
Speaking of friends, no one wants to be friends with you. In fact, no one likes you.
Brain: That meet up with friends you just had and really enjoyed? They didn’t actually want you there.
Me: That is not true and there’s no evidence for what you’re saying.
Brain: But who would want someone as annoying as you around?
People who compliment your stories are just saying it to be nice
Brain: Everyone who ever said something nice about your stories is just saying it to be nice.
Me: But I don’t even know some of the reviewers.
Brain: Even you have doubts about your stories. Of course, other people are going to hate it too.
You’re crazy and should just give up
Brain: You know when your sister called you crazy? She’s right.
Me: I am not crazy, I struggle with my mental health.
Brain: Crazy is crazy. Why don’t you actually just do some of the things I suggest? It might wake you up.
You’re an attention seeker when you talk about your problems/emotions
Brain: Are you writing about mental health and your emotions again? What an attention seeker.
Me: Writing is how I process my emotions and it’s how I connect with people and know that I’m not alone. Plus, we don’t talk about mental health enough.
Brain: People are still going to think you’re an attention seeker. Your problems aren’t that bad and you don’t have the right to talk about them. In fact, people are going to look at this entire post and think you wrote it for attention. I’m never going to stop thinking this way.
Featured Image: Photo by Me
Wow! I hope you don’t have internal dialogues like that all the time! Your therapist is right. These are lies that you are telling yourself. If I tell you I like a post or other writings of yours, you will just have to take my word that I wouldn’t be saying that unless I was impressed. I’m sure others who respond to you are honest about their opinions. It’s not just “to be nice.” Believe me, however, we all have doubts and regrets and wishes that we could do better. It’s pretty natural. I went to a small state college, but it was my wish to attend a large school with a good reputation and I still feel that way decades after I graduated. Even so, I advanced in my chosen field and, though I wish I could have gone to a big school, in the end it didn’t matter. Don’t give up! Keep plugging away and I hope you realize that you are special just the way you are!
Hi Warren! I still get these sometimes, but I am working on calling the lies out. This is definitely not a quick cure and I have to remind myself constantly not to compare myself with others (or even my idealised version of myself).
Thanks for all the constant encouragement!
You are most welcome. Try not to be so hard on yourself! You are a very talented and knowlegeable person who has been willing to open up her life and experiences to others not only for us to enjoy and appreciate, but to learn. Your personal journeys are very interesting and I hope you can find joy in all that you do!
Ugh. I felt that. Sorry you have such obnoxious inner dialogues. I do the same thing, not necessarily all these same dialogues, but the constant nagging. And yes, we are better than that inner voice implies. We are worth a damn.
And “attention seeker” is definitely not a good descriptor of you, Eustacia. Maybe more like “thoughtful”, “considerate”, “caring”, and “kind spirit”.
Good luck with putting the voices in their place.
If only my inner voice gave me helpful stuff – like encouragement and story ideas.
Thank you for the encouragement and I hope you get the nagging inner voice under control too!
For some reason I’m reminded of an interview with Robin Williams where he joked about what if there was a positive Tourette’s syndrome. And he starts yelling out compliments: “That dress is slimming!” If only the inner voice was similar.