I have always been one of those people that like to know what I’m feeling. If I can name it, then I know what’s going on and I can take steps to manage it.

So for the past few weeks, not having the words to describe how I’m feeling is frustrating and more than a little scary.

What do you call “wanting to scream but able to function properly and even ask for more work”?

I couldn’t tell if I’m coping or if I’m not, and that’s scary. How do I know if I should call my counselor if I don’t know how I’m feeling?

Well, I finally figured out what’s going on. I’ve been stressed at work (that one, I kinda already knew) and I’m guilty that I’m not doing more. As much as I love being in a startup environment that lets me try lots of things, it can be a lot to handle. As we grow, there are more and more things to do and less and less time to rest. That’s the stress part.

The guilt part comes because I look around and I see everyone else doing so much more. I want to ask to stop getting more work, but I know that if I do that, then my colleagues have to take on more and everyone is operating at full capacity. Because of that, I don’t really feel like I can ask for less work – I already feel guilty for not doing more.

Thanks to the previous counseling sessions, I can tell that all this is not good for my mental health. I’m still making myself go out, but I’m dreading it a lot more, I’m more tired than when I first started working (seriously, my non-working hours are reserved for sleep now), my gastric is acting up, I’ve lost the motivation to write, etc. I’m basically reverting to myself when I was going through a period of mild depression.

I don’t want to go back to that state, but I don’t really see what I can do. I know I need to rest and learn to separate work from life, but it feels impossible. I did try, but I’m basically jumping whenever my phone buzzes or when I see that I got tagged in a conversation. It’s like, every message could be a message about a new problem that I feel like I must solve ASAP.

To make things worse, it feels like while everyone is stressed too, they’re at least handling it better. Maybe it’s because my first two jobs didn’t last really long, but this inability to cope makes me feel like I’m inadequate, for not being able to handle a working environment (even though I genuinely enjoy what I do and like my colleagues). Other people can thrive in a startup environment, why can’t I? (Especially since I didn’t thrive in a big company either, so there’s nowhere else to go)

In fact, just as I’m writing this, a message from a merchant came in, asking for some tech updates. I can basically feel my stomach twisting and I should just wait until tomorrow since it’s 9pm and way past office hours but… I still open the message, check some stuff, and send an update. It’s a small thing and I feel like I’m blowing it out of proportion but I really dread these messages (practically any work-related message).

I know this is a very rambly post and there’s no happy ending (or any real wedding) but I really needed to get this off my chest. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but the only thing I know how to do is to continue giving my best.